Announcing the engagement of Ustauk and HoneyBunny!

[Ustauk]

  Ustauk and HoneyBunny plan to be wed sometime in the near future.    We are tying the knot, taking the great leap of faith and entering blissful married life.  All who have any advice, please feel free to respond.

Love and kisses  ,
Ustauk and HoneyBunny 

[Thorin]

Advice?

Don't burn your friendships.  A relationship will not persist if you only have each other as friends; "Us Against The World" always fails.  If your only friend is your spouse and you need to vent about something your spouse has done, who do you vent to?

Don't become best buds with all of your spouse's friends.  Be cordial, be friendly, get to know them, but make sure to give your spouse some space where they can have friends that are their friends first and your friends second.

Work hard at making your spouse's life better.  Work hard at making your spouse happy.  Don't measure how much you're trying versus how little they're trying, but understand that if it's too one-sided you will eventually break apart.

Live your life as if your relationship could end tomorrow, because it could.  Make sure to work at your relationship every day, hopefully to stave off its end.  At the same time, plan your life as if your relationship will never end, because you may stay in it until the end of your life.

Realize that marriage is not necessarily bliss, and that bliss every day becomes bland.  Marriage is hard, takes a lot of work, and allows for occasional bouts of bliss.  Marriage at its best gives you a foundation of support that allows you to do anything you want to do.  Marriage at its worst erodes your self-confidence so much that you stop doing the things you've been doing and never attempt anything new.

Marriage does not guarantee you sex; your spouse does not become your hooker or gigolo.  Sex is an activity that many married people engage in with each other, but you can never demand sex from your spouse; it is theirs to give, not yours to take.

Marriage is about trust and forgiveness.  Trust creates the foundation of support.  Forgiveness reinforces the trust.  If one spouse does not trust the other, the marriage will probably fail - perhaps quickly, or perhaps several decades along.  Unfortunately, it's impossible to determine until your marriage ends (whether by death or divorce) if your spouse really trusts you, deep down in their soul.  They may say they trust you, but they may just be saying it because they need to believe it.  That is the "great leap of faith" everyone talks about.

That's all pretty vague and broad-sweeping advice; hopefully it's useful to you.  Congratulations and best of luck!

[Lazybones]

Congratulations, just remember that as you grow and change as a couple that you don't forget who you were when you started.

[Mr. Analog]

Congratulations.

I'm not going to offer advice, but I will advise caution; be absolutely sure that this is what you both want and need.

[Ustauk]

My fiancee is the most important thing in the world to me.  She is my everything;  nothing and no one will get in the way of making us happy.  I have and will continue to change and grow as a person to make my self the best fiance and husband I can;  that means my priority is HoneyBunny above all others.  I am not being subdued or stricken; I am becoming a whole person with the one I love.  If putting my HoneyBunny in front of my friendships "burns" them, so be it.  My friends should understand I'm not a single person now; I'm one part of a single soul.  You'll just have to deal with it.

[HoneyBunny]

   As a wise man once said, " Protect the relationship - the rest is just a game. " 



  P.S.  Ustauk and I have a heart stopping, insatiable, never ending, healthy appetite for only each other and we eat at home at least 2 times                     
                per day. 

[Thorin]

My fiancee is the most important thing in the world to me.  She is my everything;  nothing and no one will get in the way of making us happy.  I have and will continue to change and grow as a person to make my self the best fiance and husband I can;  that means my priority is HoneyBunny above all others.  I am not being subdued or stricken; I am becoming a whole person with the one I love.  If putting my HoneyBunny in front of my friendships "burns" them, so be it.  My friends should understand I'm not a single person now; I'm one part of a single soul.  You'll just have to deal with it.

Nice of you to put into words what we've been noticing for six months, that you will burn your friendships for your girl.  Good luck with that.  I know plenty of divorced men who tried the same.  If you didn't want our advice, you shouldn't have asked for it!

  As a wise man once said, " Protect the relationship - the rest is just a game. " 



  P.S.  Ustauk and I have a heart stopping, insatiable, never ending, healthy appetite for only each other and we eat at home at least 2 times                     
                per day. 

I really, really don't give a crap how many times a day you @%&# him in the ass, or whatever it is that you do in the bedroom.  Bragging about it is childish.  Bragging about it in a thread where the original post actually asked for marriage advice is even more childish.  Marriages are so much more than sex, but I guess you don't get that.

[Ustauk]

My fiancee is the most important thing in the world to me.  She is my everything;  nothing and no one will get in the way of making us happy.  I have and will continue to change and grow as a person to make my self the best fiance and husband I can;  that means my priority is HoneyBunny above all others.  I am not being subdued or stricken; I am becoming a whole person with the one I love.  If putting my HoneyBunny in front of my friendships "burns" them, so be it.  My friends should understand I'm not a single person now; I'm one part of a single soul.  You'll just have to deal with it.

Nice of you to put into words what we've been noticing for six months, that you will burn your friendships for your girl.  Good luck with that.  I know plenty of divorced men who tried the same.  If you didn't want our advice, you shouldn't have asked for it!

I used your word Thorin!  Is there something wrong with me putting my fiancee above all in this world?  What if we have children; am I not allowed to put them ahead of you guys?  I wanted to make it clear to you guys where my priorities lie.  You guys are still important to me, but you need to understand that I'm not alone any more, and there is someone now in this world who is most important to me.  I hope you guys can understand this.

[Shayne]

Nice of you to put into words what we've been noticing for six months, that you will burn your friendships for your girl.

You've noticed that too?  Its a damn shame.  I made that same mistake when I first started dating Alyson and it put a real strain on friendships of those close to me.  Tossing away lifetime friends is a very big mistake, who can you count on for help when their is no-one else around?

  P.S.  Ustauk and I have a heart stopping, insatiable, never ending, healthy appetite for only each other and we eat at home at least 2 times per day. 

Got pictures to back that up? 

I used your word Thorin!  Is there something wrong with me putting my fiancee above all in this world?  What if we have children; am I not allowed to put them ahead of you guys?  I wanted to make it clear to you guys where my priorities lie.  You guys are still important to me, but you need to understand that I'm not alone any more, and there is someone now in this world who is most important to me.  I hope you guys can understand this.

I don't think anyone is arguing that fact bud, I think the argument is that even if you are "two" doesn't mean you always have to be "two".  You can look at Monday Night Gaming as a perfect example of ditching the witch and getting out with the guys.  I guess when you are in this or any other relationship for any real period of time hopefully you will see this.

[HoneyBunny]

  We have more pictures than you can imagine; plus 2 videos. Camera/Video phones are great!!!! 

Yours truly, "The Witch" HoneyBunny 

[Shayne]

We have more pictures than you can imagine; plus 2 videos. Camera/Video phones are great!!!! 

*cough*mediafire.com*cough*

Yours truly, "The Witch" HoneyBunny 

The witch (i was gonna use b*tch) comment was not directed at you as I do not know you.  More of a "leave the wife at home" but more gangster.  Not meant to be derogatory to women or you in any way.  A lot can be said for a guys night out from time to time.

[HoneyBunny]

I really, really don't give a crap how many times a day you @%&# him in the ass, or whatever it is that you do in the bedroom.  Bragging about it is childish.  Bragging about it in a thread where the original post actually asked for marriage advice is even more childish.  Marriages are so much more than sex, but I guess you don't get that.

  Your comments and criticisms are greatly appreciated and will be taken under consideration. Thank you. 



P.S. Trust me - -Ustauk cannot even poo for a week - I loved your idea.  :-)

[HoneyBunny]

The witch (i was gonna use b*tch) comment was not directed at you as I do not know you.  More of a "leave the wife at home" but more gangster.  Not meant to be derogatory to women or you in any way.  A lot can be said for a guys night out from time to time.

OHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  B*tch !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I like that even better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "The B*tch" HoneyBunny !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is fabulous.   :-D

Oh my god - Your a real ganster!!! Cool!!! How's that working for you? 

Quote : Why do people with closed minds, have such open mouths???
                    Anonymous.

Lovingly Yours, T.B. HoneyBunny     

[Thorin]

Thank you, Shayne, for bringing the tone of my post back down to earth.  You're bang on and have obviously gone through what I'm advising him to avoid.

[Thorin]

HoneyBunny, Ustauk talks about being the best fiancee he can be, maybe you should think about that too?  You make him look stupid for being with you when you post like you're doing here.

[Shayne]

OHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  B*tch !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I like that even better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "The B*tch" HoneyBunny !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is fabulous.   :-D

Guess you missed the part, even though its quoted, about it not being directed at you directly.  I suppose i could have been more political and put in "wife/girlfriend/fiancé/boyfriend/lover/slave/etc".  I preferred the rhyme though.  I think you're dwelling on the verbiage and not the point though.

Oh my god - Your a real ganster!!! Cool!!! How's that working for you?

Suburban Gangster and it works out sorta well sometimes.

Quote : Why do people with closed minds, have such open mouths???

I think thats the general feeling of Thorin and myself are sharing.

[Mags]

Congrats you two. My only advise is to remember that love is all you really need, the rest you can't take with you when you die.

[HoneyBunny]

   me no speaky englis, maser Thorin. 

[HoneyBunny]

Congrats you two. My only advise is to remember that love is all you really need, the rest you can't take with you when you die.

Here's a big kiss out there to you from us.  We thank you for your great advice. Our thoughts exactly. 

Love and kisses - HoneyBunny and Ustauk. 

[Thorin]

me no speaky englis, maser Thorin

Read the posts better, Shayne was complaining about your incorrect spelling, not me.  I'm complaining about the childishness in your posts and how stupid it makes Ustauk look.

[HoneyBunny]

Quote : Why do people with closed minds, have such open mouths???

I think thats the general feeling of Thorin and myself are sharing.

  I may have a closed mind to certain injustices pertaining to my life and my mouth is open - yes; but it is filled with something hot and warm and                  it's not hot air. 

Talk to you later - right now I'm a little full.  HoneyBunny. 

[Melbosa]

Alright, Admin time again.

Thread is getting heated, and would hate to have to close an announcement thread.

Also I urge everyone to review their own posts, compare it to the rules of the forum, and see how close they are getting to (if at all) breaching of those rules.  PMs will be going out as warnings.

[Mr. Analog]

I'm done with this bull@%&#, see you in the funny pages...

[Thorin]

Okay...

All who have any advice, please feel free to respond.

So I did, part of which was

Don't burn your friendships.  A relationship will not persist if you only have each other as friends; "Us Against The World" always fails.  If your only friend is your spouse and you need to vent about something your spouse has done, who do you vent to?
[..]
That's all pretty vague and broad-sweeping advice; hopefully it's useful to you.  Congratulations and best of luck!

At this point, I'm simply offering up advice based on life lessons that I've learned and that I've seen others learn the hard way.  Regardless of what may have been said in other threads, this was a general statement, not a specific one.  Then you say

If putting my HoneyBunny in front of my friendships "burns" them, so be it. [..] You'll just have to deal with it.

to which I say

If you didn't want our advice, you shouldn't have asked for it!

Your response?

Is there something wrong with me putting my fiancee above all in this world?

Now, based on your previous reaction to my initial chunk of advice, I gotta ask...  Do you actually want to know my answer to that question, or is your mind closed off to advice that may actually strengthen your relationship?

Because as much as I don't like her and what she's doing to your life and personality I can tell that you do like her and what she's doing to your life and personality (or at least are willing to put up with it); all of the pieces of advice I wrote up in my first post in this thread were carefully thought out to hopefully help you two avoid the mistakes I've seen other couples make.

[Darren Dirt]

Nice of you to put into words what we've been noticing for six months, that you will burn your friendships for your girl.

You've noticed that too?  Its a damn shame.  I made that same mistake when I first started dating Alyson and it put a real strain on friendships of those close to me.  Tossing away lifetime friends is a very big mistake, who can you count on for help when their is no-one else around?

^ What they said.

But also, congratulations, in the sense of "glad to hear that you guys are happy together" but I would highly recommend taking it "slow" just because nowadays the "benefits" of actual "legal marriage" are so small compared to the downsides, if you are not 100% sure of who the hell you yourself are before you get attached "till death" with someone else who also may not know who the hell they are.

I'm reading up on NLP this week, it makes me realize how little most people know about how their own minds work, how their thoughts and feelings and actions come about and how/why they can (or can't) change them at will.

If I had taken on this set of tools of personal awareness and communication etc. in my high school years, my college+ years would have been *very* different.


Okay here it is: I hold no malice towards the -itch (others' word, not mine ) but I care about my friend. My priority is to him, not her. A lot of us essentially "grew up" together at NAIT, and there's a reason we still choose to socialize almost a decade later. We went through something special together, something challenging -- a lot of folks liken it to old war buddies (not to denigrate those who serve in the military).


Anyway, I have noticed a change in Ustauk. Yes, he's more poetic, yes he's happy to be -- and happy to announce that he is -- getting laid regularly. Yes, he's going through some new, maturing processes that are certainly necessary as his teenage years are well into his past.

But take it from me -- and apparently Shayne as well (ps: welcome back ) -- it is VERY easy for one to lose oneself when the Infatuation Stage of a romantic relationship in full swing.

And years later, you might wonder how the hell you lost your true self so fast.

I know Ustauk is "happy" right now, just as I was very happy (in all ways I was aware of at the time) the first 9 months or so of sharing every waking moment with my "soulmate". During that time the "old me" simply shut off, he died, he deserted everything from his past -- values, friends, even passions -- and within a year or two after that the repression of those desertions started to surface.

Only I didn't know it at the time. It came forth in unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship ways. Sabotage. Deception. Denial -- to self and to her -- that just amplified the guilt, the self-hatred, the resentment toward her.

All of that could have been avoided if before getting fully "committed" I had known some pretty basic things about Life. About what each individual needs to know about themselves and the world and the way people interact -- how they do, and how they should if they were fully informed about a lot of things that most people don't even know they know until decades later -- and all sorts of things like that which enable a person to be fully real, fully able to share a life with another.

But before that point, I think in a way you both might be selling yourself short, might be robbing yourself of the opportunity of a fully satisfying relationship that is not stifling or destructive... Not to say that is the way it is now -- despite what others here seem to be saying -- just saying a lot of the surface stuff reminds me a LOT of what I would have seen in my own experience, if I was more aware (or if I had a video camera floating over my head for a handful of years which footage I wish I could now review with truly opened eyes).

There, I've said it. Hope this didn't confuse, nor offend. But if so, I'm willing to engage in semi-rational discussion to explain further ...

PS: there's a reason so many "love songs" and the entire "emo" genre of music are popular... cuz so many people fully immerse themselves into another person, that they truly lose themselves, and once that relationship ends -- or even when the Infatuation embers aren't glowing so bright -- it is devestating, often in ways and to a degree that they deny to themselves for possibly years, often having that pain surface in unexpected, maybe even self-destructive ways. Or, they even take that final tragic step, ending their life itself by gun or blade or rope or pills, which one of my friends did in high school and it was all over an exploitive, emotionally-manipulate steady girlfriend who eventually got tired of him before he got tired of her. What a waste, what a damn shame.

Don't want something like that to happen to my friend, Ustauk.

There, I've said it. Considering it's almost 2am, I hope it makes even 50% of the sense that I am convincing myself that it does right now as I click Submit...