The Power of Introverts

[Thorin]

I wonder how many of us this describes?  http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html.  It's a 19-minute TED talk about introverts and their unique challenges.  Found via http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=63454:

[Lazybones]

I still have to wonder if forced social interaction isn't beneficial to introverts?

Being allowed to be your self is important but if at the same time your default preferred mode is to be alone you are leaving all of your social interaction to chance that others will seek you out.

I think introverts need some push to mingle with others but it should be more like a nudge than to tie them up and force them.

[Mr. Analog]

That's for sure Lazy, I was diagnosed borderline agoraphobic and the cure was really just to get out more often and do things so there is less and less anxiety about it, and that wasn't something I found online or decided myself, I was actually prescribed medication and told to get out more.

It's also why I need to push myself to go work in the office more LOL

I find once I'm out and about I feel great and everything's fine, it's the thinking about going out that's really stressful.

That aside, I find that sometimes I'm introverted and other times not, it really depends on my stress levels, who I'm around and if I'm in a place that I know. All this boils down to being legally blind I guess. I mean imagine a world where you are functionally illiterate and even walking around is difficult in places I haven't been in or if there is a lot of light.

[Thorin]

Introverts still interact socially and introverts still need human contact, it's just that doing so drains energy rather than builds it.  In fact introverts will still seek out others, but they may not feel the need to try and befriend everyone in the room.  There are a lot of other symptoms and problems that are mistaken for introversion, though: shyness, social awkwardness, various brain disorders, etc.

I identify as an introvert, especially as related to recharging the batteries by being in my own bubble.  At the same time I've learned to wear the mask of an extrovert, since people don't respond very well if you sit and say nothing in a social situation.  What I've learned, and what helps any introvert, is that it's all about making others comfortable around you by engaging them in conversation.  Once they're comfortable, conversation is less required.

What you're suggesting, giving introverts a push to mingle, sounds more like teaching social skills to overcome social awkwardness and natural shyness.  That's a good idea, but introversion is not the same as social awkwardness and shyness.  I don't consider myself shy or awkward, but man, I have no problem with the idea of spending two weeks in the bush alone.  Experts say that you can go crazy from lack of contact, but when I think of it all I can imagine is not having to constantly be "on" for others.

[Tom]

I can't be sure I'm a true introvert, but I assume I am. I know its very draining, and always has been. But I also have this anxiety bull-crap.

[Mr. Analog]

So true, very often I go into hermit mode

I find a lot of people in IT are like this.

As well I find a lot of people I associate with online are like this.

Like attracts like I guess.

[Thorin]

I can't be sure I'm a true introvert, but I assume I am. I know its very draining, and always has been. But I also have this anxiety bull-crap.

Are there people who you can be around without getting anxious?  If so, do you find it draining to be around them and do you still feel the need to step out of interaction for a bit and just live in your head for a bit?  That "living in your head" would be the recharging.

[Tom]

I can't be sure I'm a true introvert, but I assume I am. I know its very draining, and always has been. But I also have this anxiety bull-crap.

Are there people who you can be around without getting anxious?  If so, do you find it draining to be around them and do you still feel the need to step out of interaction for a bit and just live in your head for a bit?  That "living in your head" would be the recharging.

The more time I spend with people (over a period of time, that is) the less anxious I get. I was getting somewhat comfortable at my mom's place. Which is somewhat unexpected, I tend to be more anxious around family (my social anxiety is due to me "mind reading" and worrying too much about what people think about me, and I care more about what family thinks than other people).

But yeah. I do become more comfortable as time goes on, but I still think I need to spend some time alone.

That said, I tend to be anxious all the damn time anyhow sitting here on the couch anxious. it really sucks. Though this is probably due to work, and me not actually doing said work right now

[Mr. Analog]

I know that feeling all too well...

[Mags]

Feel your guys pain seeing as Anxiety/Depression are kissing cousins. Always such a strange thing that the anxiety is the thought of doing a thing, not the actual doing. Curious if it's just a feeling with those with anxiety, or is it similar to depress where you always default to worst case scenario?

[Thorin]

One thing to tell yourself every day is that anything that someone thinks but doesn't say is their problem, not yours.  If they never tell you, you can't be expected to respond to it in any way, so you have no societal expectation to respond to it.

In other words, if someone is critiquing you in their head, they have a problem, not you.

If you only care about what people say, if you care less or even don't care at all about what others might be thinking, life gets a lot simpler (not necessarily easier).  Of course this also means that you can't complain about what others do if you never tell them you think it's wrong or un-fun or not what you want them to do.

Jeebus, all I wanna do right now is sit and mine in Minecraft.  For some reason, that recharges me like crazy.

[Mr. Analog]

I wish it was that easy. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to let it go or otherwise own your own feelings.

I also wish I was playing Minecraft instead of debugging...

[Tom]

It is really hard to re-train your brain. It's something I've been doing since I was a tot. I care less than I once did, but it still isn't gone, and I don't know if it will ever be gone.

[Thorin]

Well I didn't say or intend to imply it was easy to change lifelong mental habits, I just said that if you can change them life gets simpler.  And simpler does not necessarily mean easier, life could still be hard, but just less complicated.

Glad to see you're letting it (what others might be thinking but haven't said) affect you less, Tom, it's not going to be a sudden overnight fix nor will that mind-reading ever completely disappear.  I still do it occasionally, too.  When I catch myself doing it, I tell myself, "Well, they haven't said it so if it's a problem it's their problem".  This reminds me that I should only care about what people say, not what they might not have said.

At the same time being able to consider what another person might be thinking that they haven't said does help one develop empathy, a trait that's sorely lacking in today's world.  We have lots of lawyers and other Type A personalities, we need more thoughtful, caring people.

Anyway, the original video was about allowing people who don't fit the gregarious, outgoing, bubbly descriptor room to be their own person without immediately judging them as cold, unfeeling, or somehow wrong.  Many of the best minds were and are those that spend a lot of time inside their own head instead of out in the world.

[Tom]

I'm stupidly empathetic. Seriously. Of course after such a long time of feeling very little, a lot of things tend to trigger emotions

[Melbosa]

At the same time being able to consider what another person might be thinking that they haven't said does help one develop empathy, a trait that's sorely lacking in today's world.  We have lots of lawyers and other Type A personalities, we need more thoughtful, caring people.

I recently experienced this myself, and was bitten for it.  So I'm looking to buy a 4Runner, used, on Kijiji and have been watching ads for months.  One comes up this week and so I contact the seller.

Its an older lady, whom has seen all her kids leave home, and is semi retired.  She doesn't need the vehicle anymore as its too big for her and her husband's needs, hence why selling it.  She goes on to tell me about the vehicle and I keep responding with a question here or there.  I iterate many times I am very interested in the vehicle and am available any time to look at it.  She kinda avoids the question somewhat with excuses of busy here, stuff there.

When the conversation is about ending I ask for a time to come look at the vehicle.  She says she wants to wait till the weekend when her husband is home.  So I offer to wait till the weekend at what ever time works for her, accommodating her needs and overall being thoughtful.  Only thing I added is that she contact me if someone else asks to see it earlier as I would make arrangements to see it as well the same day to ensure I got a fair crack at the sale, and she agreed.

So this all takes place Tuesday.  Thursday I get a text saying someone came to look at it Wednesday and bought it Thursday morning.  This is where I go WTF!  I be thoughtful and understanding and I get bit because of not being pushy, overbearing, or demanding.


What is my point?  Well the world needs more thoughtful and caring people in it, because those that are can get bit by those that aren't.  Now this experience is the second time I have been accommodating to sellers and got bit by it.  So the next one Type A comes out, and while I won't be stern and overbearing, I will be firm and pushy for a time ASAP.  I just wish more people respected accommodation and thoughtfulness in today's world.

[Lazybones]

Husband may have already lined up a buyer before she relayed the message.

Story still sucks, when ever I find out the seller is not home I don't tend to ask too many questions and just ask when I can call back to speak to the seller. Spouses can be unreliable

[Thorin]

At least she texted you back instead of pretending she wasn't home when you rang her doorbell on Saturday.  Kijiji and Craigslist sellers can be really hit-or-miss.

I'm surprised Darren has joined in on this discussion yet, at least, the discussion before we started talking about cars

I wonder which of my kids will be like me - preferring to be on their own at least part of the time so they can recharge.

[Darren Dirt]

^ lol, I just "rediscovered" that lengthy graphic on a Quora.com answer -- forgot I ever saw it before! So apparently the lifespan of most of my memories is less than 2.5 years? 


...oh wait, I did not participate in this forum thread? I guess I must not have seen it, then, I can't imagine not feeling the need to at least respond "SAME!" or something. So my old-man memory failure hasn't quite kicked in yet, whew!

>>> Found via http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=63454 <<<

Definitely missed this thread... because I usually click on every link, and the above is a fantastic discussion -- plenty of other Aspies chiming in! #WeDemandToBeRecognized ... #InSmallDosesOfSocialActivism