letting go

[spidergirl]

sorry guys I need to release some stuff!

Have you ever cared about someone so deep that it physically hurt you to think of your life without them in it?  Have you ever wanted something so bad that you would do anything to make it happen?  Have you ever realized that it is not going to happen?

I would say that realizing that your dreams are not going to come true is the hardest thing in the world to deal with as you worked so hard to try and make it happen.  It?s like the world has come to a stand still and letting go of that dream means that life as you knew it was over.  It means waking up every morning knowing that you couldn?t make it happen and feeling like a failure.  It means feeling like an idiot for thinking that it could happen.

I saw a movie tonight that taught me that life is about taking chances and living your dreams, but what happens when you can?t achieve that dream?  Does it all just fall to the wayside and die?  Is it possible for life to go on being after the dream has been deserted?

I love someone with all my heart and all my soul but he does not feel the same so what can I do?  I need to let go and carry on but that is so much easier said than done.  When someone means so much to you it feels wrong to just let it go without a fight but if your fighting a losing battle is it really worth the fight? 

My life seems at a standstill and I am not sure which way to go from here.  Do I try and walk the road alone or do I keep on trying?  If I keep on trying will I finally achieve my dream or is this a losing battle in which I will not come out on top?  All I know is that to me it is worth it to keep on trying at least till I know for sure that this is a dream that will never come true.

Maybe it?s the kid in me but I believe that will a little confidence and perseverance all dreams can and will come true, it just takes a little time!!

[Mr. Analog]

I would say that realizing that your dreams are not going to come true is the hardest thing in the world to deal with as you worked so hard to try and make it happen.  It?s like the world has come to a stand still and letting go of that dream means that life as you knew it was over.  It means waking up every morning knowing that you couldn?t make it happen and feeling like a failure.  It means feeling like an idiot for thinking that it could happen.

I think I know exactly how you feel. All my life I wanted to be an architect or a draughtsman, somebody whose job it was to do technical drawing all day long. Sadly, because I was visually impaired I was TOLD that I couldn't enrol in any post-secondary drafting courses. THAT killed my world, all the hard work I put into grade 11 went out the window in grade 12. I had no motivation at all to keep going. Then I think it was halfway thru the semester when a rep from NAIT came to my high school about the Computer Systems Program. I had been working with computers for a long time at that point (it was recommended by the CNIB, way back in 1985). Well it got me thinking about it and my dad suggested I take a look into it. It certainly piqued my interest and I got as much information about it as I could. I then worked very hard at getting into CST (Rotary club meetings to meet the Dean at NAIT, taking courses over again to get my marks up, etc). I got into CST and really haven't looked back. I've been working professionally in the IT industry now for just shy of eight years, I love my job and I love what I do.

I find, sometimes, when something bad happens when it's all over and done with, new possibilities appear that can take you to new places.

I know that my story probably doesn't apply to your situation, but I think the message is that there is always hope, there will be a tomorrow and that while we can't control what happens to us we can control how we react. (<-- advice from the old man, LOL )

[Mags]

I would say that realizing that your dreams are not going to come true is the hardest thing in the world to deal with as you worked so hard to try and make it happen.  It?s like the world has come to a stand still and letting go of that dream means that life as you knew it was over.  It means waking up every morning knowing that you couldn?t make it happen and feeling like a failure.  It means feeling like an idiot for thinking that it could happen.

I think I know exactly how you feel. All my life I wanted to be an architect or a draughtsman, somebody whose job it was to do technical drawing all day long. Sadly, because I was visually impaired I was TOLD that I couldn't enrol in any post-secondary drafting courses. THAT killed my world, all the hard work I put into grade 11 went out the window in grade 12. I had no motivation at all to keep going. Then I think it was halfway thru the semester when a rep from NAIT came to my high school about the Computer Systems Program. I had been working with computers for a long time at that point (it was recommended by the CNIB, way back in 1985). Well it got me thinking about it and my dad suggested I take a look into it. It certainly piqued my interest and I got as much information about it as I could. I then worked very hard at getting into CST (Rotary club meetings to meet the Dean at NAIT, taking courses over again to get my marks up, etc). I got into CST and really haven't looked back. I've been working professionally in the IT industry now for just shy of eight years, I love my job and I love what I do.

I find, sometimes, when something bad happens when it's all over and done with, new possibilities appear that can take you to new places.

I know that my story probably doesn't apply to your situation, but I think the message is that there is always hope, there will be a tomorrow and that while we can't control what happens to us we can control how we react. (<-- advice from the old man, LOL )

I resent you trying to take my title as The Old Man.

Spider I think it comes down to the old adage: Time heals all wounds. So if you feel this way (and we are usually the last to know in that  situation, so you probably have come to a correct assumption.) let go, the quicker you do the quicker you heal.

[spidergirl]

Letting go is so much easier said then done specially when you talk to them and they give you a teeny tiny bit of promise!!

[Darren Dirt]

At least you don't (presumably) share 3 kids with them, and still have many sometimes-confusing enjoyable good-friend moments with them after many years of being apart and growing into 2 completely different and obviously incompatible people.

From my own experience (not saying I know more than anyone, that's for sure), a good way to peace and happiness is to appreciate (think back fondly on) the good moments, and make a conscious decision to move on into a future where you can really explore life without being held back by the many sources of non-positive energy we all have (which sometimes even includes your internal dialogue, self-doubt, your-own-worst-enemy kind of stuff).

Life is short but can also be long and prosperous  (just ask Spock) if you have the right attitude, which at first may require effort but eventually it becomes a habit.



btw, I like what Mr. A said (very hopeful message) and Mags said (very true about how the sooner you make a decision to let go and move on, the sooner you can continue living your life -- because as the shampoo commercials say, "[you're] worth it". Seriously. Value yourself and your life and your dreams, and accept that when one handful of dreams has to be let go of, a new collection of even better dreams will take its place.) Oh and Mags, were you born later than 1973? If so, I hereby steal the "title" from you



Hope my ramblings make less than complete non-sense.

[Melbosa]

Wow now this is a real first for RW.  Quite the conversation going on here.  Nice to see, although very deep for our little community.

Well I can add to all that has been said here, but I think it has been pretty well covered.  Who knew we had such passionate people on our boards; glad to see it .

[Mags]

At least you don't (presumably) share 3 kids with them, and still have many sometimes-confusing enjoyable good-friend moments with them after many years of being apart and growing into 2 completely different and obviously incompatible people.

From my own experience (not saying I know more than anyone, that's for sure), a good way to peace and happiness is to appreciate (think back fondly on) the good moments, and make a conscious decision to move on into a future where you can really explore life without being held back by the many sources of non-positive energy we all have (which sometimes even includes your internal dialogue, self-doubt, your-own-worst-enemy kind of stuff).

Life is short but can also be long and prosperous  (just ask Spock) if you have the right attitude, which at first may require effort but eventually it becomes a habit.

btw, I like what Mr. A said (very hopeful message) and Mags said (very true about how the sooner you make a decision to let go and move on, the sooner you can continue living your life -- because as the shampoo commercials say, "[you're] worth it". Seriously. Value yourself and your life and your dreams, and accept that when one handful of dreams has to be let go of, a new collection of even better dreams will take its place.) Oh and Mags, were you born later than 1973? If so, I hereby steal the "title" from you



Hope my ramblings make less than complete non-sense.

Before 1973, still king.... king of closest to death.

Funny how advise differs even amongst professionals. I just watched, the other day, a psychologist recommending that to get over a relationship that you are having trouble letting go of; to pretend that the person is dead. While that may be effective, I'm thinking, might be the kind of thing that fuels the depression even more.   

[spidergirl]

I think what makes it so hard for some reasons is that I think well actually I know he likes me back, he is just not ready for a girlfriend.  I guess I am afraid to let go just in case he realizes what is right in fron tof him right after I walk away.  Well all that and I love his son as if he was my own, we have been friends for awhile now and I don't want to lose the friendship.  Really I got myself in a stupid situation.  After ending a 7 year relationship I vowed never to get in another one again but here I am going for it once again!!

[Darren Dirt]

Funny how advice differs even amongst professionals. I just watched, the other day, a psychologist recommending that to get over a relationship that you are having trouble letting go of; to pretend that the person is dead. While that may be effective, I'm thinking, might be the kind of thing that fuels the depression even more.   

Yeah, that's what keeps the head-shrinkers and motivational speakers in business

Plus you have the radio personalities commenting on "the most recent study..." such as a few weeks ago John Tesh of all people, passing along to the easy-listening masses some wisdmo from some recent experts who recently said some recent study suggested the time it takes to fully "get over" a serious relationship = one half* the duration of the relationship itself.

Ouch.

The pretending-they're-dead method at least might be less dreary seeing as it would be quicker

The bottom paragraph on this page might be helpful, though... and less morbid than PTD.

- - -

* strangely, his website includes lotsa "Intelligence for Life (tm)" (esp. re. relationships) but I searched and couldn't find the one I recently heard about the "half" expected duration...

[spidergirl]

Now this is going to sound really bad but the 7 year relationship was over way before it ended so getting over that was no problem.  The thing I am worried about is getting into another relationship and having it end up going nowhere again.  I am getting WAY to old to keep going through pointless relationships.  I would like to settle down, have kids and start a life with someone.  The older I get the farther from that dream I get!!

[Darren Dirt]

Some of the short snippets of wisdom on Tesh's site might be helpful -- especially about the issue of "how do I start a new relationship without making the same mistakes" etc.

GL no matter how you get through it (and to it ) -- life is meant to be enjoyed, not lamented.

[Mr. Analog]

I'm bad with relationships, I think the longest one I've had is six months. The pattern I see emerging out of it though is a significant lack of honesty between partners, real honesty. Think about the person you are going out with, could you tell them everything? I mean, I understand the need for privacy, however if this is someone you plan on spending your life with both sides have to be up front and realistic.

The worst thing that ever happened to me was a found out, vicariously, that the person I was dating was griping about how she needed someone with a car and that it was frustrating for her to date me because I couldn't pick her up and go places (etc). Well what the hell! From day 1 she knew I was legally blind and wasn't able to drive. I certainly had no idea that this was a problem for her. I asked her about it and then I found out all sorts of stuff she didn't like (but said nothing to me about). On one hand I'm glad I said something before things got too serious, on the other hand I wish she was a tad more mature and let me know some of this stuff earlier.

[Thorin]

I'm bad with relationships, I think the longest one I've had is six months. The pattern I see emerging out of it though is a significant lack of honesty between partners, real honesty. Think about the person you are going out with, could you tell them everything? I mean, I understand the need for privacy, however if this is someone you plan on spending your life with both sides have to be up front and realistic.

I'm with ya on that.  Two people won't necessarily stay together just because they're honest with each other, but two people will most likely break apart if they're dishonest with each other.

she needed someone with a car

That sounds pretty self-centered on her part.  She only dates people to get things from them?  That'd raise a big red flag for me.

[Lazybones]

I would say honesty is key to a relationship. Everyone is entitled to some personal privacy, but you shouldn't be holding big secrets from your partner regarding how you feel about them.

As for getting something, it should be mutual, other wise why bother with a relationship. Two people working together should both get benefit from a relationship, it things are two one sided it can create friction. Each member can contribute something different, but if one member is selfish and not willing to give back in some way it is no longer viable in my mind.

[Thorin]

Two people working together should both get benefit from a relationship, it things are two one sided it can create friction. Each member can contribute something different, but if one member is selfish and not willing to give back in some way it is no longer viable in my mind.

It's important to point out that what the contribution should be is entirely dependent on what the other person sees as a valuable contribution.  Some people want their partner to contribute financially, other people want their partner to contribute emotionally, yet others are most interested in simply having someone around all the time.

However, I'm of the firm belief that what makes relationships work is not us getting what we want from our partners, but us giving to our partners what they want without measuring to make sure we get an equal response.

For example (from a book we received as a wedding present): A man rips out his concrete driveway and replaces it with steel grating that lets the plants grow through.  His wife had talked for quite a while about how she would love to have a greener driveway, and she loves to do gardening.  When asked why he did all that work, the man replies, "Because it's something my wife wanted".  When asked further if he expects anything back, he says, "No, why would I?".  In the evenings, after supper, he watches the news for an hour and she doesn't interrupt him.  When asked why she leaves him be for that hour, she replies, "There's lots of time in the day to talk; that's his quiet time".

Now, is either of them selfish?  You could say the woman is selfish for wanting the entire driveway replaced at a pretty high price tag - leaving it be would cost nothing.  You could say the man is selfish for wanting quiet time every night after supper.  But both of them have figured out what the other one needs to be happy, and both of them help the other one be happy.  And that's what I think makes people stay together.