regrets of the dying: "don't be a cog"

[Darren Dirt]

(summed up)

http://www.paulgraham.com/todo.html

A palliative care nurse called Bronnie Ware made a list** of the biggest regrets of the dying. Her list seems plausible. I could see myself?can see myself?making at least 4 of these 5 mistakes.

If you had to compress them into a single piece of advice, it might be: don't be a cog. The 5 regrets paint a portrait of post-industrial man, who shrinks himself into a shape that fits his circumstances, then turns dutifully till he stops.

The alarming thing is, the mistakes that produce these regrets are all errors of omission. You forget your dreams, ignore your family, suppress your feelings, neglect your friends, and forget to be happy. Errors of omission are a particularly dangerous type of mistake, because you make them by default.

Ideally you transform your life so it has other defaults. ...So I inverted the 5 regrets, yielding a list of 5 commands:
Don't ignore your dreams
don't work too much
say what you think
cultivate friendships
be happy.

**detailed contents...

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:



1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.



2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.



3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.



4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.



5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.



Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

[Mr. Analog]

Sounds like Darren Hates his Job

[Darren Dirt]

Sounds like Darren Hates his Job

let's just say that the stuff that I LOVED about my job when I first got here = keep disappearing one by one over the years. #Sad

Now it's a big Transitional Period of tools/technologies to replace existing (working perfectly fine, tyvm) systems; jeepers I sure miss the old days of having lots of Stuff To Build and Challenging Problems to Solve.

tbh paying into a pension now + stability and benefits to keep the 3 kids and wife happy/safe = big factor in why I am still here. I'm a smart guy who can do amazing things when motivated and given the time and freedom; right now it seems that the need for amazing things = virtually gone from here. Hence the Sad.

[Mr. Analog]

So the justification for working a job you hate is for someone else's happiness?

If you are TRULY okay with that then you need to start making the job you hate into one you love (sit down objectively and figure what you are missing that you need to add).

Or find a job you love that also supports your family.

These things don't have to be at odds with each other.

[Thorin]

So the first post is all about how we should follow our dreams instead of sticking in a rut just for paying the bills, then the next post says you are staying in the rut to pay the bills.  There's been a few other posts from you about this same thing, too.  All I can tell you is that I have a pretty low threshold for what will make me switch to a new company - I'm always looking for more dollars per hour worked (not just more dollars, as some places expect you to put in 50% more time for 5% more money) and I'm always looking for better work/life balance.  And I haven't exactly been unsuccessful at supporting my fam-damily.

As far as finding a job one loves, well, every job will have its ups and downs, but some downs are way worse than others.  I like technical challenges even though they frustrate me; so even as I'm frustrated at my current problem, I'll still like the overall job.  I hate asshat managers; it only takes about a week under an asshat before I start looking for a new job.

[Melbosa]

I too have struggled with something similar recently, and it took my beautiful wife to open my eyes.  See I wasn't as happy as I figured I should be when at home.  While I was content I wasn't truly happy.  Sure I was spending time with my new Wife just as I have been for the past 4 years of my life, but there was something bothering me that I wasn't aware of.  It wasn't until she asked me one day - "Hun, what few things in life truly make you happy?  Other than me of course!" - my wife likes to throw in self gratification once and a while.  And I sat there and thought about it... what would make me happy right then and there?  I had my loving wife sitting next to me, my own house, a good job (although with its own stressors), good entertainment (we were watching a movie at the time), and social gatherings to come that always put good humour in my day.  So what at that very moment would make me happier?

Well then it hit me.  In my strive to be a good husband, a loving partner and a good friend I had given up one of my passions in life - gaming.  Sure I had my D&D sessions, but really I hadn't touched much gaming in a long time - something I used to do at least once a day before meeting my now wife.  And gaming is one of those things that truly makes me happy.

So expressing this to my wife opened her eyes a bit too.  Now I spend bit of my week gaming at the computer or on the TV, my wife understands and has noticed that I seem happier for it.  This in turn has actually made our lives better as she no longer feels the burden of some of my unhappiness and our relationship is actually stronger I believe because of that. 

A bit heavy but here's my point.  If you can't make your life full of happy times you'll only cause harm to those around you as well as your self.  I didn't even realize how true that was until this happened to me... and over something so trivial.  I can imagine (and you know I can) how it feels to hate the work you are doing and the place you are working in only to get that paycheck at the end of a pay cycle - and I say to you: you deserve to be happy with what you do.  Those that care for you and love you will understand if that means leaving your job and stability to better means.  Or as Mr. Analog says, you can try and make where you work that place that makes you happy with what you do.

Either way, doing it for others at the sacrifice of your own sake will only hurt you all in the end.

My Deep 2C

[Thorin]

I miss D&D but it's my own fault for filling my life with so many other activities.

[Mr. Analog]

I miss being able to walk places without fearing for my life...

[Melbosa]

I miss being able to walk places without fearing for my life...

Woah... now I'm scared... where shouldn't I be walking near your place?

[Mr. Analog]

I miss being able to walk places without fearing for my life...

Woah... now I'm scared... where shouldn't I be walking near your place?

I suspect it's hard enough if you can see, try doing it with your eyes closed.

The worst thing you can do is tense up, but it's hard not to

[Darren Dirt]

If you can't make your life full of happy times you'll only cause harm to those around you as well as your self.  I didn't even realize how true that was until this happened to me... and over something so trivial.  I can imagine (and you know I can) how it feels to hate the work you are doing and the place you are working in only to get that paycheck at the end of a pay cycle - and I say to you: you deserve to be happy with what you do.  Those that care for you and love you will understand if that means leaving your job and stability to better means.  Or as Mr. Analog says, you can try and make where you work that place that makes you happy with what you do.

Either way, doing it for others at the sacrifice of your own sake will only hurt you all in the end.

My Deep 2C

well put -- fortunately I am mucho happyo in plenty of non-work aspects of my life.

Just been thinking lots about Stage Of Life, what with my oldest looking at post-secondary options, and my 2 girls both finishing up the last year at the "top of the food chain" at their respective schools. And there's nothing terribly "unhappy-inducing" about my current job, it's just that due to "top-level" decisions and restructuring and changes over the years, a lot of the aspects that made this particular section of this organization -- and this particular "job" of mine -- a very unique, exceptional, outside-the-norm work environment at the start of my time here, a majority of those intangibles are gone, including a relatively recent shift in focus of most of the the specific tasks that are on my plate day to day (as I mentioned recently, away from challenging problem-solving, and more to boring and un-creative tasks).

So to be clear: I'm not suffering in un-happy-ness in order to ensure the happiness of others (that time's in the past for me ) ... just reality as a Dad, manning up and taking ownership of my roles and responsibility, means that it's a bit more difficult to just jump around trying to find That Perfect Google-esque Workplace.

And I'm fine with that -- plenty of non-work stuff keeping me happy. (Having friends that clearly care doesn't hurt either!)




...oddly enough, I just skimmed the "five" in my OP, and I think that I was pretty guilty of almost ALL of them a few years ago -- but in the last 18 months I've actually started reaching out and really LIVING and accidentally started doing a whole lot of the "ToDo List" stuff that Paul Graham suggested (other than maybe #5, when it comes to work) ... I guess that explains this weird Happyness stuff. (just miss getting that at work too I guess)

[Thorin]

I miss being able to walk places without fearing for my life...

Woah... now I'm scared... where shouldn't I be walking near your place?

I suspect it's hard enough if you can see, try doing it with your eyes closed.

The worst thing you can do is tense up, but it's hard not to

I'm a little confused; are you talking about really icy/snow-covered sidewalks, or gangbangers in the neighbourhood?  I mean, the NSB used to be active out that way...  (North Side Boys).

[Mr. Analog]

So to be clear: I'm not suffering in un-happy-ness in order to ensure the happiness of others (that time's in the past for me ) ... just reality as a Dad, manning up and taking ownership of my roles and responsibility, means that it's a bit more difficult to just jump around trying to find That Perfect Google-esque Workplace.

And I'm fine with that -- plenty of non-work stuff keeping me happy. (Having friends that clearly care doesn't hurt either!)

Yeah but to be blunt this keeps coming up in your posts, more frequently than not. Being unhappy can start to affect other parts of your life, there's no shame in finding better work to make your life better, you aren't Sisyphus you can change your situation any time you want. Because you have dependents you have to plan it a bit more than some, but who doesn't have responsibilities? I guess why I've been trying to get you to open up about this is because I was in the same spot in 2003, I kept thinking how things weren't that bad and I could just grin and bear it and eventually things would settle down, you know "man up". But the reality was things were so bad that I was in denial and not paying attention to myself or the effects having a @%&#ty job were really taking. It was only when I went beyond the breaking point that, with Lazy's help, I got myself out of that situation. @%&# the "devil you know", there's a big world out there with lots of new and frankly better situations to find yourself in.

Take some friendly advice and fix this part of your life. Its been manifesting itself in your communication for months now and I hate to see someone I know so well trapped in self doubt.

I'm a little confused; are you talking about really icy/snow-covered sidewalks, or gangbangers in the neighbourhood?  I mean, the NSB used to be active out that way...  (North Side Boys).

The crappy sidewalks, NSB hasn't really been a problem for a while, at least not in my neck of the woods.

[Darren Dirt]

to be blunt this keeps coming up in your posts, more frequently than not. Being unhappy can start to affect other parts of your life ... the reality was things were so bad that I was in denial and not paying attention to myself or the effects having a @%&#ty job were really taking...

Take some friendly advice and fix this part of your life. Its been manifesting itself in your communication for months now and I hate to see someone I know so well trapped in self doubt.

Thanks bro -- like I said, in the past I used to spend a lot of time on certain intellectual pursuits in my free time that didn't do much to add to my happiness because at my job I was able to express my "work" (refer to that previous TED Talk in Poland) whereas now I've been recognizing how important the inter-personal relationship / feelings aspect of life is, and of course keep sharing what I think is profound or helpful -- not because I am in denial about being super-miserable at my job, but maybe more like because the contrast between "job" happiness and "non-job" happiness is so noticeable now (being that much happier in the rest of my life).

However you guys are right, if there's stuff I can do to improve the specifics of my job, I should at least consider the possibility and take action ... and if not, then I'll have to adapt my happiness expectations or else look elsewhere (fearful shudder though -- braces starting in January for my son = ain't cheap...)


ps: I hope from an outsider POV that you guys haven't noticed a signficant decrease in light-hearted posts in the forum by the D-man... to me that would be a sign that maybe I am indeed getting "down" gradually in response to this current area of my life I'm not completely satisfied with.


pps: the "manning up" I mentioned was re. parenthood (and adulthood, really), but again you are correct that I need to "man up" in "defense" of Yours Truly as well, spending one-third of my life (and more than half of my Waking Life) in a work environment that doesn't make me excited to show up = I deserve better. I guess I gotta add this to the "list" of things I plan on taking action on, 2011-2012 have been full of that kind of stuff elsewhere, why not the job situation?

[Mr. Analog]

Oh yeah, if I seem overly aggressive about this it's because it took a few people (Thorin, Bob, Tom O, etc) to shake me out of my own pit of despair.

At the very least there's no harm in looking at alternatives, seeking new possibilities.

To... boldly go where... No. Man. Hassss

Gone

Before

(hopefully you read that in Kirk's voice)